What is the deal with wanting to immediately feel better the minute anxiety, stress, anger, sadness or any of those other supposed “bad” emotions show up?

“Duh!” you’re probably thinking, “who wants to feel bad all the time, or at all?  After all, it’s uncomfortable, it’s dreary, I feel drained, weak, like a burden…”

Right, totally get that.  But I’m here to tell you that if your aim is to always “feel better” then you miss the mark entirely of your miraculous human-ness.

Working with clients and being in the field of personal growth, I hear a lot about how:

• simply changing your thoughts can radically change your experience
• thinking positively and focusing only on the good will lead to manifesting abundance
• acting “as if” will help you attract the very experiences you want to be having
• replacing the negative tapes in your head with affirmations heals wounds from the past.

And to a certain extent, I absolutely believe these things too and have said similar things to my own clients.

However, while the above coping mechanisms have some truth to them, I get really curious about the sheer drive we as a society have about always needing to “feel better,” to cheer up those around us if they’ve got their glum galoshes on and to constantly need to escape “bad” feelings. 

It’s like the only acceptable way to be is happy, “Zen,” balanced and content.

Yet, aren’t we then missing a huge part of the human equation if we’re always striving to feel good?

• The part where we learn to embrace the entirety of our wondrous emotional being-ness.
• The part where what we feel, we heal.
• The part where we become artful masters at the practice of self-compassion, which then leads to extending compassion to others.
• The part where in the midst of letting ourselves feel all of our feelings, grief, rage, loss and loneliness, we begin saying yes to our immensity, eternity and capacity.
• The part where we learn to lead with our hearts for the benefit of all.

Know that I don’t have the desire for anyone to feel bad all the time, not at all.

Yet, the next time challenging emotions arose in your experience what would happen if instead of trying to feel better, you simply got better at feeling?

Getting better at feeling might look like:

• Saying “yes” to every experience that arises in you without doing anything to make it worse or bigger.
• Saying “yes” to every experience that arises in you without minimizing it by shrugging your shoulders and saying “whatever” or “I’m over it” when you’re really not.
• Turning towards the emotion or experience you’d rather deny, shame and avoid and commit to compassionately holding space for it as long as is needed.
• Talking about your tough times and emotional upsets without apology or shame.
• Acknowledging that all emotions are neither good nor bad but simply are; that emotions contain important information about what we authentically need; and that all emotions are always valid.
• Asking for help and/or being willing to receive support, witnessing, guidance, care and love when it is offered.

You picking up what I’m laying down?

Now seriously, what would it look like for you to get better at feeling instead of striving for feeling better?  What do you think would happen? What would this mean for you?

Leave a comment below and share this with your people.  I really want to know what you think!

In Service,

M.

Hey Everyone, I pulled this post out of the archives and hope you’ll dig it. Whether or not you celebrate Easter, we’re all signed up for the Cosmic Easter Egg Hunt- the search for meaning through lessons presented to us.  Read on and then please leave a comment at the end!

My two-year old daughter experienced her first ever Easter egg hunt yesterday, across the street at our neighbor’s house.  She carefully chose her pink and grey polka- dotted Easter dress with matching socks and matching Easter basket, hair in pig tails and kept squealing excitedly; “Eas’ egg ‘un!  Eas’ egg ‘un!”   My sweet, innocent daughter had absolutely no idea what was in store for her.  Despite this, her enthusiasm was infectious!

We could all take a cue from my daughter when it comes to approaching life:  whole-heartedly diving in and feeling excited googlygiggley with the unknown that lays ahead.

Check out what happened:

My neighbors have a sprawling front yard that is lush with grasses, moss, fruit trees and bushes- a teeny Garden of Eden if you will. My daughter was allowed to go first into the field, ahead of her much older friends chomping at the bit, where already I spied half a dozen eggs waiting for her.

She walked right past her first egg without looking back, not because she didn’t see it but because she didn’t know what to do with it.  She then pointed to a large brightly colored, carrot shaped egg awaiting her in the middle of the yard and shrieked “Orange!”  Meanwhile, all us adults kept pointing out the eggs right in front of her, encouraging her to pick ‘em up and put them in her basket.

When we are young, we often walk right past our first “lessons” in life.  We often don’t recognize what we are meant to learn, despite being told repeatedly by parents, teachers and whomever. Whether it’s our moral compass, manners, religion and spirituality, these lessons begin to shape and define who we will become, even if we end up rejecting it later on.  As kids (and adults, lets be real here), we are attracted to and distracted by the bright, shiny objects that we see in the distance even though we have all kinds of things to look at right in front of us.

My daughter finally got wise to the fun of finding the eggs and scooped up five more as quickly as her little legs would allow.  But she didn’t rush.  For every egg she found, she held it up for me to see and then clapped just for having the egg in her possession.  Awe-struck at her not-in-a-hurry and in-the-now attitude, I had no choice but to celebrate her findings with her.

Initially, she rejected the eggs that were, “duhty,” those eggs that were covered in grass or had obvious cracks in them.  After we cracked open just one of those eggs, her curiousity morphed into overwhelming joy with the treasures she’d found inside.  She’d had no idea!  Immediately, she stopped her search and concentrated on getting candy into her mouth, jumping up and down exclaiming “Mmmmmm!  Goot!”

Little kids are FABULOUS at living in the moment.  They know how to both enjoy and savor whatever is in front of them as well as fully feel all of their feelings.  What had begun as an unknown endeavor for my daughter, unfolded into curiosity, surprise, delight and new knowledge.  With every egg we opened, she was just as excited as the first.  The newness was NOT lost on her.  And so it is with a true beginner’s mind: each moment becomes an opportunity for joy.

She was on fire and on a sugar rush!  She searched high and low and the eggs just kept pilin’ up. Sparkly, patterned, brightly colored, cracked, grass covered, half open, stuck closed… She got after those eggs with a new awareness and a laser-focused desire to find more.  Unconcerned with the packaging, she now understood that every egg no matter what the outside looked like, had something wonderful in store for her.

Afterwards, while my daughter played with and cherished her newly found gifts, I noticed my neighbor’s daughter’s basket.  She had gobs of shiny plastic eggs in her basket. When I asked her how she got so many, this is what she said: “Everyone else was looking in the same place so I decided to look where no one was looking.”  And, “It’s not that fun for me to get the easy to find eggs.  I like the challenge of having to really look for the eggs.”

Getting the gist of this post? 

Each of us, we are already signed up for the Cosmic Easter Egg Hunt.  We are looking for vibrantly colored, shimmering, light-filled eggs in the forms of meaning, joy, self-worth, inner peace and more.

So here’s what my daughter’s first Easter egg hunt taught me that I wanted to share with you:

Know that if you walk past one egg, another one will appear.  You are meant to find the eggs.

You are meant to learn lessons.  You cannot walk by a lesson in life without it showing up again and again until you learn that lesson. Think about it, when you look back on your life, don’t you see patterns?  When you start to see patterns in your life, especially patterns that no longer serve your well-being, this is usually the time that one awakens into awareness.  From here, you can choose to do something different in order to break that pattern that no longer serves you.

The outside looks of the egg have nothing to do with the treasures found on the inside.

Sometimes, many of life’s hardest learned lessons come to us in packages that appear less than desirable: your feelings get hurt, you fail at something, relationships end, disaster strikes. We are tossed into stormy seas of confusion, fear, sorrow, or anger.  Yet, it is a Universal Truth that discomfort and pain can be an incredibly wise teacher. Your job is to not make the pain worse by avoiding, denying, or repressing it.  It is enough if you can simply put the egg in your basket and open it later, when you are ready.

When you find an egg, take the time to really check out the contents.

Not every lesson you learn elicits “oohs and aahs” like the candy and balloons my daughter discovered.  Sometimes, we assume that we know what’s inside and when it’s scary or not what we expected, we back off with a quickness and never dare to crack it open and look.  You have to take the time to look inside.  I promise you that whatever it is you find, you are being summoned to your highest Self and your heart’s desire to be fully self-expressed.

The more difficult to find eggs are worth the search.

Not because the lesson is any more important that the others, but because it is in the searching that we are given an opportunity to connect with parts of ourselves that need the most attention. Struggle builds character.  Patience is a virtue.  Patience with the struggle deepens the trust we need to cultivate in ourselves so that we can weather the storms and come out the other side more whole than when we began.

So, as Easter approaches, know that all kinds of “eggs” await you and each one of them is filled with your heart’s deepest desires.

Happy egg hunting!

You rock!

M.

This post is Part 2 from 3 Epiphanies and Why Coming Home to Your Body Opens the Door to the Divine.  I share my experience participating in a weekend 5Rhythms workshop.  Gabrielle Roth discovered that when you put the psyche in motion, it heals itself; thus 5Rhythms is a movement philosophy.  Read on to learn more about embodied wisdom.

“5Rhythms: They are a map to everywhere we want to go, on all places of consciousness- inner and outer, forward and back, physical emotional and intellectual.  They are markers on the way back to a real self, a vulnerable, wild, passionate instinctive self.”

From www.gabrielleroth.com

Imagine walking into a room full of strangers and deeply knowing that no matter what you bring, no matter how you show up or how you express yourself, you won’t be judged.

My first reaction?

Uhmm… what?  My ego simply could not grasp this mind-boggling concept. And yet, I could distinctly feel it: on a cellular level my body just kinda went “Ahhhh, I’m home.”

Despite this, for the first half hour of my first ever 5Rhythms Workshop (more on this in a sec), I moved and danced but my mind was busy at work: mini bombings in the form of judgments and criticisms crashed everywhere, handily destroying any experience of enjoyment or fun that beckoned. I wrestled so much with my mind that first day that I almost didn’t come back the second day.

I expected (expectation: the mind’s need for control and certainty) words: an introduction, a conversation, theory, handouts… This was a workshop after all, right? Talk, talk, talk. Think, think, think.  And process, process, process.

And even though I knew that no one cared how I moved or didn’t moved, I couldn’t stop judging myself.  My mind claimed itself absolute sovereign over the vast expanse of my Being-ness and I unwittingly bought into this: my mind bullied me into a paler version of my true, vibrant self.

Ever been there?

Keep reading to find out how my body initiated me into freedom.

“The Dancing Path begins the WAVES: the foundation and fundamentals of the practice.  There is a spiritual force driving our dance that strips us to our naked soul, a force that allows us to be the dance rather than do the dance.”

From www.gabrielleroth.com

What I hadn’t totally understood was that this workshop aimed to put the body, my body, in charge; that MY BODY WAS TO DANCE ME  instead of the other way around.

That this wasn’t just a workshop nor just a dance floor, but a portal to other dimensions, a sacred space outside of linear time… a place of coming home to my wild, passionate instinctive self.

Whoa.

Fortunately, my body found its way back from the Mind Jailer to herself through the 5 rhythms of flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical and stillness.  A “wave” happens when each participant moves through each of the five rhythms and each rhythm is accompanied by music that best fits the energy of that rhythm.

By the end of my first “wave,” something big had shifted, the 3^rd epiphany landed and landed in a mighty big way.

Through the Dancing Path everything began to fall away like icebergs calving into the sea.

I could feel my walls coming down,

Could feel the unraveling of the tight, contracted coil that holds my identity firmly in place,

Could feel the self-imposed cage built by my mind, blowing wide open,

Could feel a numinous and luminous presence taking root…

 Imagine it: dissolving every definition of who you are or supposed to be and just embodying a pure, unadulterated sense of aliveness.

 My body danced me into movements I’d never known before.  The adventure of REALLY inhabiting my body in new and unexpected ways and being lead by it was truly ecstatic, in every sense of the word. (Ecstasy: “feeling or expressing overwhelming happiness or joyful excitement; involving an experience of mystic self transcendence; any heightened state of consciousness.) 

My mind and its requisite neurotic thoughts utterly disappeared, as if finally bowing down to and slinking away in deference to my body’s supreme wisdom.

One of the reasons it has taken me two weeks to write the follow up post to 3 Epiphanies and Why Coming Home to Your Body Opens the Door to the Divine, is because I needed time to sit with what this experience has called me to do:

To deepen into the healing arts through embodied practices.

Pioneers in the field of somatic and dance/movement therapies ushered in by folks such as Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing), Ron Kurtz (the Hakomi Method), and Marian Chace (mother of Dance Therapy) speak to the importance of incorporating a body-awareness approach to healing.

While I have long known that healing happens in the body and not just the head, the 5Rhythms experience has awoken in me the profound truth of this statement from a deepened experiential and intimately personal perspective.

I danced through my entanglements, explored my emotions as raw power housed in my limbs, got real with the gifts I bring, downloaded images and scenes of powerfully healing alternate dimensions and honored the wisdom of my ancestors.

And, most of all, I had a freaking awesomely silly and fun time being in my body with a room full of newly acquainted tribe members who wanted the same thing: the joy of being embodied.

My Embodied Wish for You

Dear Heart, come home to your body.  All her wisdom awaits you and aches for your presence.I cannot extol enough, the virtues of incorporating embodied practices into your daily life and as a part of your personal growth journey.

The sole and Soul reason for an embodied practice, whether it be through 5Rhythms, or other somatic and movement therapies is this:

In awareness and movement of the body,

our most alive, energetic and true self rises to the surface,

for the body can only exist in the present moment.

I wish for you the power of full embodied present moment awareness as a spiritual and healing path.  Simple.

So, what does being embodied mean to you?  From your body’s own well-spring of wisdom, how can you start inhabiting your body even more?  When you ask, “Body, tell me what you need?” what does it say?

I very much want to hear from you in the comments below.  Please share your own experiences on the embodied path and what has helped you to simply begin.  And, please share this post if you were compelled, curious and/or inspired.

May you live and move according the rhythms beneath your feet.

Maira

PS: I wanted to extend special gratitude to Cameron, who told me about 5Rhythms and Visudha de los Santos, who facilitated this workshop called “Roots.”

“It’s so clear that an embodied presence, being awake in this body, awake in our hearts is what allows love or compassion to be a living love, not an abstraction.  It’s so clear that embodied presence actually gives rise to creativity.  It actually allows us to experience our natural intelligence.  And that this embodied presence is the gateway to full realization.”

–Tara Brach

Ever had an epiphany?  A moment of sudden revelation or insight that so rocked you to your core and utterly changed the way you saw yourself and the world that there was no going back?  I hope you’re nodding your head vigorously “yes.”

Well, I ask the question because this past weekend, I experienced the third soul-quaking, thunderbolt epiphany of my lifetime and I wanted to share the journey that seems to be unfolding before me: the journey of embodied realization.

I share this in part because helping my clients move towards greater and greater embodied awareness is a huge part of how I work with them.  I also share it because all too often, I witness my clients making enemies of their bodies, disconnecting from it as if it’s wisdom and aliveness was morally reprehensible and to be avoided by any means necessary.

The profound travesty in disconnecting from the body means a huge chasm opens, a feeling of separateness  from one’s true humanity and miraculous human-ness as a spiritual being. So, please read on if you’ve ever wanted more aliveness in your life on all levels.

A Tale of 3 Epiphanies

 The embodied experience: one in which you experience the unity and integration of your whole self (mind, body, spirit and soul) through the physical body.  That’s not a technical definition but it is mine.  Imagine the idea of not just awareness of your body in terms of the five senses, but also awareness of your energetic, emotional, intuitive, creative and sacred self.  The confluence of these aspects of self that give rise to your “natural intelligence” as Tara Brach calls it.

This is powerful medicine.

To stay with what’s happening in our bodies.

To intentionally experience our physical aliveness.

Deep Nature

The first time I got a taste of this was on my first ever adventure backpacking trip in the Olympic Mountains of Washington State with my boyfriend at the time.  I’d met him on a service learning trip to Paraguay where we set up immunization clinics for locals in rural areas.  He grew up hiking and backpacking all over the world with his family.  They were kinda like the Beaver Cleaver family of the outdoor lover world.

Anyhoo, we’d begun hiking off trail.  We were on a scree slope (think an escalator covered in a gazillion little rocks all moving downward as you’re trying to climb upward, oy!) and I struggled big time.  Struggled to maintain my balance, struggled with the notion of wanting to give up, struggled with tears that kept running down my face…

I had gotten completely lost in my head making up stories about not being strong enough, good enough, angry at my boyfriend for subjecting me to such hardship and on and on.  It got so bad that I had to stop, no longer able to breathe because my sobbing caged my ability to breathe freely. And at high altitude, this is no good.

When the sobbing finally subsided, I finally looked up and out of myself to discover the most magnificent expanse, breathtaking in its enormity and  awe-inspiring in its beauty.  And then I remember that everything went silent: the ridiculous chatter in my head, the ache in my legs, even my breathing had deepened and found it’s rhythm.

My body went into what I can only describe as pure peace and well-being.  I was sensing, seeing, smelling, understanding, listening and loving everything- absolutely everything.  I felt at ease in my body and suddenly, in my surroundings as well.  And from that point on, I stayed present in every singular moment, becoming what I imagine a jaguar feels in her jungle territory- stealth, powerful, and assured.

Giving Birth

The second epiphany came during the birth of my daughter. I was fortunate enough to have “planned” a natural childbirth and the Universe decided to comply with my request.  I’ll not go into the nitty gritty details (you can go to the TLC channel for that), but I will share an impossible surprise that transpired.

Midway through the birthing process, I went into another ecstatic experience similar to the one I described above.  Meaning that despite the intensity of contractions, pain and fear, all of that gave way to unadulterated joy of the highest magnitude.  I remember laying in the tub and literally experiencing ecstasy wash through me like a flash flood in the Narrows of Utah’s Zion National Park.  I began saying things like,

“There is so much love for you here. The Universe has nothing but joy for your existence…” and on and on.

We’re talking peace, love and angels kinda stuff.  The midwife that attended my daughter’s delivery told me later that she had never seen something like that before.  And, that it was beautiful.

My biggest takeaway after having my daughter? Just how powerful my body really was.  I had tapped into a whole new lever of experiencing my body’s profound and innate wisdom.  It was like suddenly understanding that the vehicle for my soul’s journey on this lifetime wasn’t actually an Audi (which is pretty suh-weet), but a freaking powerful, expertly designed Ferrari 730 hp F12berlinetta.

Imagine that embodied experience!

Epiphany number 3…

to be cont’d in the next post.

Sorry to leave you hanging.  I’m waiting to share this last experience because, well, I just had it last weekend and I’m still both reveling in it and processing it.

Nonetheless, I desperately wanted to open up a dialogue with you about embodied presence.  It is my humble opinion that without a clear, resonant and loving experience with your body and in your body, you miss out on a portal to all that is utterly Divine in you.

I cannot extol enough, the virtues of your body’s wisdom, and the way it bridges your mind with your heart and your eternal soul with the gift of your humanity.

Before I sign off, I want to leave you with a some questions to ponder:

• How do you currently relate to and experience yourself in your body?
• What’s your definition of an embodied experience?
• Are you having an embodied experience right now?  And if so, can you describe what it’s like?
• How can you start practicing more embodied awareness?
• What takes you away from being fully awake in your body?

Please please please share your answers by leaving a comment below.  Or, ask a question.  Whatever you do, stay in this conversation.  Seek awareness of and greater connection to your physicality, your soul journey depends on itl

Always an honor serving you,

M.

The other day, I admitted something out loud, that in a million years, I would never have dreamed would be true:

I love being a home-maker.

The raging feminist in me is like, “WTF?”  My clever self likes the title, Lifestyle Artist better.  No matter what title I give it, ultimately, it all comes down to this: taking care of my family in all ways teeny and magnificent is like heaven on Earth for me.  I enjoy rousing my girl outta bed and readying her for school; shopping for amazing groceries so I can later prepare wholesome and nourishing meals; organizing the garage; sweeping the floors; even cleaning the bathroom.

However, this isn’t a post about the virtues of being a housewife.  It’s a post about how in these ordinary moments of my daily life, I’ve found the keys to the kingdom so to speak, the shazam! to my wiggle, the building blocks to a peaceful, wonderful life.

What’s the secret you ask? See everything as a Practice of Devotion.

A Practice of Devotion is one where you:

• Immerse yourself fully or devote your entire being to the task at hand, mind, body and spirit.
• Engage with the task at hand with the full measure of your heart, imbuing whatever you do with love.
• Act from a place of deep service, where you give simply because it is what you are lead to do and because it leaves you with a sense of fulfillment and enrichment.
• Through action, metaphorically bow to yourself and others, thus honoring the Divine in all things.
• Devote your full awareness and presence to the right now

Too “woo” for you?  Allow me to translate in pragmatic terms:

• Quit your bitching about the task in front of you and throw yourself into it, leaving behind the need for reward, recognition or getting it over with.  The task is the goal, the journey is the peak, “chopping wood and carrying water” is what happens before and after enlightenment, as a Zen saying goes.
• You have a choice in any given moment to accept what’s in front of you with love or with disdain.  Choose love, it simply feels better.
• Paul Coehlo wrote, “A life without cause is a life without effect.” A life of service provides direction towards a meaningful life, it IS why we are here.
• Dignify the miracle of life through small daily gestures and by giving each gesture the value it deserves.
• Get out of your head and into your life.  Take out the head trash, shift attention to the only moment that matters- this one right now.

A Devotional Practice transforms the monotony, mundane or boredom of routine into something so much more meaningful, if you’re willing to shift your perspective.  Instead of trying to get from point A to point B, what would happen if you simply enjoyed the journey in between?

What if you understood that at every moment, the unrepeatable miracle of life unfolding before you was a golden opportunity to step into joy, ease, peace or acceptance?

‎”Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

Listen, for most of us, there is no way to avoid the routine of daily life.  I get that and you get that.  All I’m saying is, instead of rolling your eyes the next time it’s your turn to scrub the tub, why not distinguish the task into an act of love and respect for your family’s health and well-being?  As if in washing the dishes or scrubbing your toilet, the thought becomes something like, “I honor this sacred space that is my home and do this for the love of my family.”  Imagine how this approach would impact you.

 After all, it is your one wild and precious life, and how you spend your ordinary moments are equally important as how you spend the extraordinary ones.

Thanks so much for being here.  Please share this post or leave a comment if you felt inspired, compelled or supported.

Go Gently,

M.

Sweet honey chamomile tea made for me by my husband.

Making Valentine’s Day cards with my 3-year old daughter while she sings to herself.

Pondering the “Forgiveness” photo album I want to send my Father, who makes his presence known in my life through his absence.

Weeping in awe at the email I received from a client who started a blog about her journey to recovery from a nine year long eating disorder.

Staying present with an ocean full of tears, waiting for the storm to pass and for once, not trying to hurry it along.

Dancing and undulating to fierce tribal beats, sensuality and pleasure racing through my limbs through to my toes and hair ends.

Sending out carefully wrapped packages of Valentine’s Day gifts to my daughter’s grandmothers knowing how excited they will be with her home made gifts from the heart.

Spending the morning collaging and creating after my creative muse Ela woke me whispering, “Wake Dear Heart.  Wake and create what your heart wants to say.”

Running on the treadmill and remaining present in the strength of my body as the hyperspeed throm throm thromming of my heart reminds me that I’m still a warrior.

Bowing to the revelation that is the Pacific Ocean, the mirror reflecting the meaning of life: to deepen and expand.

Re-committing to a regular meditation practice, again and again finding grace and presence through stillness.

This is me living open-hearted.

More and more every day.

Trusting.

Believing.

Loving all of it.

What does your open-hearted life look like?

Happy Valentines Day.

Blessings and Faith,

M.

“The soul can be dented and scorched, but it cannot die. It is extra-human, it is of essence and yet is inviolable. The child spirit can be badly injured, the ego can be broken, but the soul will come to the carnal pile in the night and begin, like Isis with her woven basket, to pick up all the shattered pieces to re-member the person again, to seam them back together. The soul remains strong, even in all it’s scarred grace.”

–Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I met a Guardian of Authenticity today in the blurry haze between tears.

Here is what she said:

Dearest, I know you have been struggling.  We all see you.  Feel you.  Know you.  In the marrow of your bones, swimming through the layers of blood and gunk, you feel as if you’re drowning.

Yet, we are always here, watching over you, reaching for you and loving you.  What you’ve been waiting for your whole life, it’s here:  

The Great Mother Heart.

In Her arms, solace awaits you.  Upon the safe confines of Her lap may you do what needs done: fully unravel, come undone, scream your truths, tremble with rage, grieve your many losses and claim the whole of your story without shame. A soul womb readies itself to hold and bear witness to your beautiful broken-ness.

We know you’ve been hurt. No. Not just hurt, but deeply wounded.  And as such, parts of your soul had to flee to the farthest ends of galaxies and universes in order to safe guard your Beautiful Authenticity.  And now, Dearest Beloved, those parts of you are ready to come home, are ready to be remembered and re-membered. Love surrounds you as your soul reaches and tumbles toward wholeness. Even in all it’s scarred grace, the soul  aches for wholeness, craves it, demands it. This is its Way.

Your eventual return to the Great Mother Heart foreshadowed the shattering of your soul. It had to be done Sweet Heart.  Not because any wished you harm, but because a soul shattered learns not just to survive, but how to protect and strengthen the remaining shards, tend compassionately to the injured, witness and accept other shattered souls, fight for justice and stand up for the right to live.

Are you ready to come home?

With bowed heads, rows of us Guardians of Authenticity, line the golden path.  Long have we guarded these gates to ensure your triumphant return, to ensure the survival of your soul. The gates open for you, Blessed Heart.

We are so happy to see you. Welcome Home.

Lay down your weapons Warrior, Seductress, Trickster, Saboteur, Wounded Child.  You’ve done well, in your own way, to protect and to serve. Now is the time for unity and equanimity. Sheathe your sword, hang your armor, and lay down your shield.  Strip to your core and let your essence light these halls. It is safe for you to be ALL of who you are.

“You are SAFE,” we sing.  ”You are seen,” we chant.  ”You are cherished,” this we know.

The sweet, lavender aroma of unconditional acceptance sweetens the rarefied air within. A feather bed lined with tenderness longs to cradle your body at rest.  A warm bath filled from urns full of the palest blue healing waters, awaits your vulnerable, naked self.  And powerful, loving arms strengthened by the energy of generations of mothers and grandmothers long to embrace you and soothe all that cries out for their attention.

Have you any idea how deeply loved you are right now?

You are most deeply loved.

Walk the golden path. Open the door.  Step through.  Great Mother Heart will take care of the rest.

********

May you deeply know the power you hold to transform pain, trauma, and negative stories into compost for a rich and fertile life.

I welcome your thoughts, insights and truths.  Please share them with us below.

Blessings and faith,

M.

“Tears are part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is not serious, but the worst does not occur- our light is not stolen- for tears make us conscious.  Sometimes a woman says, “I am sick of crying, I am tired of it, I want it to stop.” But it is her soul that is making tears, and they are her protection. So, she must keep on till the time of need is over.  This will not last forever, only till the soul is done with its wise expression.”

–Clarissa Pinkola-Estes (CPE)

As I have aged, I have learned to honor the gift of my tears.

When I was younger, I fended tears and crying off like foes at battle.  I built bunkers, steadied my shields, painted bravado on my chest and vowed to never shed a tear, come what may. Crying meant “weakness,” “emotional instability,” “being out of control,” “being too sensitive or too dramatic.”

What were the messages you received about crying?

In my family, crying was deeply frowned upon and would sometimes anger my parents.  They had learned that crying was best dealt with by minimizing (“It’s not that big a deal.  Get over it.”), shaming (“Grow up.  You’re not a baby anymore!”) or avoiding it altogether.  Is it any wonder that tears, crying and sobbing are like garlic covered crucifixes to the ideal of having stoic, cold vampire hearts?

Unlearning the misguided notion that tears or crying = weakness (that is if they aren’t tears of joy) and re-learning the wisdom inherent in our tears is one of the most basic roles I take when working with clients.  I can’t tell you how often clients have apologized for crying during a session, as if their crying represented a morally reprehensible and unacceptable act.

I too am still in the process of learning to trust my tears and letting them have free reign to run and express themselves in the vast field of my consciousness.These days, I cry freely and as of late, frequently.  I will be the first to admit that I am going through a major spiritual and emotional growth spurt that makes me feel crazy at times.  But, because I have learned that tears bring with them wisdom, sometimes really, really deep, SoulCore wisdom, I am much more open to their arrival than ever before.  I have no doubt that my tears usher in a deepened relationship with myself as well as foster my soul becoming more and more whole.

Tears do impossibly outlandish and wonderful things like:

• Purify
• Heal wounds
• Join souls
• Forge bonds
• Honor what was, is and could be
• “Call the spirits” (CPE)
• Carry creative power
• Allow authenticity to bloom
• Celebrate momentous moments
• Ignite intimacy
• Nourish compassion
• Water the seeds of our most tender and powerful selves

Tears create the river that wends its way through your soul; that deepens and carves pathways of unspeakable beauty; and that creates deep caverns to hold your expansion.  You see, when we expand into our highest and most light-filled selves, we grow.  And growing can sometimes be a very painful affair.  As well as dark, lonely, confusing…  I think you get the picture.

Undoubtedly, it helps to have a loving witness to your tears, someone with whom you feel safe with, loved and not judged.

Yet, if you are like me and have some difficulty connecting with others when your tears are flowing, asking for support can seem like an impossibility.  So, I thought I would share with you seven little words to say to your loving witness the next time your wise tears of sadness, loneliness and the like, arise ready to throw down some wisdom:

I’m hurting.  Will you please hold me?

Imagine the difference these seven words could make in your life.  I have and it makes me quake in my knickers.

Try it out.  Let me know what happens.

And whatever you do, honor the gifts your tears bring.

Blessings and faith,

M.

The Universe has been all up in my grill lately!  Seriously.  The roller coaster ride of ups and downs, twists and turns, relief and intensity… well, let’s just say that I’ve had some trouble finding my balance.

Conflict.

For some, it is a dreaded word and a situation to be avoided at all costs.  For others like myself, we run into battle to meet the conflict head on.  And somewhere in between is the middle way, the gray area where black and white thinking exposes itself as too simplistic, too limiting and the tool of an ego that absolutely must have resolution and a sense of control.

Conflict.  Here’s what I know about it:

1.   The body in conflict is under a whole lotta stress.

In conflict, the body becomes stressed as it gears up for the fight, flight or freeze response of survival.  Cortisol, the “stress hormone” gets dumped into your system by the truckload and then all systems are a GO.  Couple this physiological response with the brain’s negativity bias and you’ve got a recipe for reactivity, shut down and impulsive behavior.

2.   The bigger the emotional response, the more likely that your response is something from your deep past vs. what’s right in front of you.

A client of mine shared a breakthrough experience walking down the street one day.  As she walked alone in a well- lit, safe part of town, a group of people walked toward her.  The closer they got, the more she noticed her body tensing up, her eyes darting back and forth and her breathing become shallow.  Her body began to brace for an attack.

You see, in her family growing up, negative criticisms were tossed and slung at her on such a regular basis, that it formed her perceptions of others as judgmental, mean and unkind.  That energy of feeling always on the defense within her own family had come to haunt her during a casual stroll down the street.  They walked past her without a rude remark, or criticism and it was then that she understood just how deeply one’s past can corrupt the truth of our current moment experiences.

3.  In conflict, we revert back to old, familiar coping mechanisms even if we “know better.”

Just as cortisol sets of a chain of events to gear the body up for conflict, that very same conflict can plunge us into the icy waters of old coping habits.  Me?  I shut down, my thoughts race about all the ways that I am right, my actions take on the bitter flavor of passive-aggressiveness and I start playing the blame and shame game both with myself and the other person.  It’s a lapse in reason where I’ve literally lost my mind to the emotions and physiology of my survival response.  To make matters worse, I add negative self-judgment to the mix thus amplifying the conflict ten decibels higher than its original volume.  Oy!  which leads me to the next thing I know about conflict.

4.  The “What’s wrong with me?” trap increases suffering.

Inevitably, when conflict arises and the ensuing chaos and confusion ride in with it, many of us are prone to look at all the ways we are wrong.  Wrong for having our feelings.  Wrong for our thoughts.  Wrong for making Mt. Everest out of an anthill.  Wrong for not saying what needed to be said “just right.”  We heap insult upon our injury and not only amplify the situation but we ask it to stick around longer!  WTF?!  This is EXHAUSTING and draining and terrible for clearing out muddy waters.

What to do?  Read on Dear One.

Loving Self-Inquiry as the Answer

Like I said, it’s been a roller coaster around here lately.  I fought against my habitual and reactive tendencies, immunized against viral strains of passive-aggressive impulses and doused the fires of anger with cool water.  Mindfulness, a long time companion of mine, has been a wonderful soother and advocate.

I did the best I could.

And through all of the pain, anger, despair, feelings of loneliness and silence, I chose loving self-inquiry with questions like:

• Maira, what’s really going on here?  What’s underneath your reaction?
• What are you feeling? Where is that feeling showing up in your body?
• What story are you believing that may not be true?
• How does this conflict reflect back to me about where I am meant to grow?
• What do I need to take responsibility for?
• Can you please pause, wait with a breath or two, before you say or do anything?
• What is the most loving and compassionate thing I can do for myself right now?
• What’s ready to be healed?

I am doing the best I can and that is enough.

In the uncertain darkness that feels lonely, unresolved and sometimes desperate, learning to sit with our confusion and our wildness begins to calm us.  Pema Chodron writes:

“It isn’t that suddenly we become perfect and sit far away from the door (our escape mechanisms from these feelings).  It’s more that through years and years of gentle training and honest, intelligent inquiry, we begin to trust our basic wisdom mind.  We find that we have an essential wisdom, an essential good heart, that is stronger and more fundamental than our unkindness and aggression.”

Are you willing to uncover your essential goodness and wisdom in the midst of gnarly conflict?  I believe you are, otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading these words.

What was the last conflict you had and what happened?  What did you learn about yourself in the midst of it?  Please share your stories and vouch for your essential goodness by commenting below.  I always love hearing from you.

I bow in service to you.

M.

It doesn’t work to compare yourself to others because you’re comparing your insides to their outsides. Apples and oranges.
–From a conversation with my friend at Keyboard Athletes

Ever thought to yourself, “I’m not measuring up”?  Or, “I’m not where I should be”?

The other day I went for a run in my neighborhood.  It was a short run, on a gorgeous day with 70-degree weather in the middle of January.  As I ran, I noticed my eyes getting wide and my mind thinking things like, “Wow, that house is huge and beautiful.  I hope I can have a house like that someday.”  “Geez, did you see their amazing garden?  Someday, I hope to have something like that.”  And my favorite, “That car is AMAZING! I definitely want that someday.”

And the longer I ran, the more downtrodden I began to feel.  The “trance of unworthiness” cast its spell and I ran, literally, headlong into some really old stories of what makes me a worthy person.

And it felt like sh*t.

And most of us do this a lot, all day long, every day. You with me so far?

As an Empowerment Life Coach and therapist, I have similar stories about how “evolved” and “empowered” I’m supposed to be in order to be worthy.  After all, isn’t this blog called, THE EMPOWERMENT EXPERIENCE?

I work with clients who have told me, “You really seem to have it all together,” or “Someday, I will be able to deal with my life’s challenges as well as you.”  And then I laugh out loud, thank them for the compliment and then de-bunk that story as fast as possible.

You see, comparison is a b*tch and it never, ever, ever works to compare yourself to others.  As stated at the top of this post, comparing yourself to others doesn’t ever work because you’re comparing your insides to their outsides.  Meaning that when you compare your situation, life circumstances, belongings, sense of personal power or whatever to another, you’re only going on the other person’s external expression of themselves, not the whole truth of their journey.

So, if someone wants to appear wealthy, then they can buy all the trappings for that.  If someone wants to appear “enlightened” then they can read all the right books, attend all the right retreats and then talk about their breakthroughs.  If someone wants to appear “all put together,” then they can share only the things that shine a warm, sepia-toned spotlight on themselves.

Then magic! They seem wealthy, enlightened and like they’ve totally got it together. (Buzzer sounds here.)

Here are the problems with comparing my insides to your outsides:

• If I judge that my insides don’t measure up to your outsides, I’ve just put you on a pedestal and necessarily made myself, “not enough.”  And when you’re on a pedestal and I’m below you, we both stand alone.
• If my goal is to make my insides match or live up to your outsides, then I’m following your path instead of my own.  I give up the power and beauty of my authentic self-expression.
• This one act creates an enormous amount of unnecessary emotional suffering and disconnects us from a powerful Universal Truth:  We are all one.  The Buddhists call this the illusion of separateness.
• I don’t get the opportunity to really know who you are apart from your outsides. I not only miss out on the possibility of an amazing connection with you but I also miss out on sharing in your gifts.

Below is a video I stumbled upon about a year ago and it makes me tear up every time.  It perfectly captures the last point above.  Check it out:

Paul Potts audition

Now, can you imagine what the world will have missed out on if Paul had been judged by his outsides alone? I mean, check out Simon Cowell’s look of utter confusion at 1:48, Simon’s brain was probably comparing what an opera singer “should” look like to what stood before him.

Healing the suffering with RAIN

Below is an excerpt from one of my favorite teachers and authors, Tara Brach, about how to heal not just the emotional suffering that comes with comparing ourselves to others but emotional suffering in general.  It is simple yet graceful and powerful.

“The mindful presence that helps release emotional suffering is summarized by the acronym RAIN.

R Recognize – notice what is arising (fear, hurt, etc.

A Allow -  agree to “be with it,” to “let it be.”

I Investigate – in a non-analytic way, get to know how the body, heart and mind experiences these energies.  You might inquire by asking yourself one or more of the following questions: “What is happening?”  “Where am I feeling this in my body?” “What wants attention?” “What wants acceptance?” The “I” is also Intimacy: experiencing difficult sensations and emotions with a direct, gentle, kind attention; and offering compassion to the place of vulnerability.

N Non-identification, or not having your sense of Being defined by, possessed by or linked to any emotion. In other words, not taking it personally! The “N” is also Natural Presence, a homecoming to the loving awareness that is our essence.”

…the loving awareness that is our essence

I just love that part!  Before I go, I wanted to give you a writing prompt to play with:

When I accept all of me with loving awareness then…

Please share your thoughts, your insights and what you came up with when finishing the sentence above.

In loving kindess,

M.